What Is & Could Be
by tjmack
Summary: She couldn't do anything. Her feet were rooted in place. All she could see was the red stain, the glassy look in his eyes, and the pallor of his skin as he dropped to the ground beneath him. The only thought going through her mind was; what she could have had, and what she did have.


Juliet groaned as his voice came through the speaker of her phone. It was at times like this that she didn't understand how she had fallen in love with him in the first place. She did have to give Shawn Spencer credit though. If anyone could get themselves into a dangerous, life-threatening situation, twice in one day, it was Shawn.

"Juliet, please come quick." Those were the last words she heard, as his end of the line went dead.

In that moment she realized how serious the situation was. Shawn had been in situations like that many, many other times, and never had Juliet heard him _that_ scared.

"Can't you drive faster?" Juliet whispered, as she turned toward her partner.

"It's going as fast as it can, O'Hara. He'll be fine. It's not like it isn't the first time. He needs to learn, Juliet."

Juliet shook her head. Not that she didn't agree with Lassiter. Shawn did need to learn to stop putting himself in these types of situations, but this time was different. She could feel it. Shawn was in danger. However, instead of focusing on all the horrible things they could find once they arrived on the scene, Juliet focused on a task. She pulled her gun from it's holster and pulled out the magazine. After a quick examination told her that it was a full magazine, she shoved it back into place and returned her gun to it's holster. Glancing up, she sighed in relief as Gus' car came into view.

Lassiter's car skidded to a stop behind Gus', as both of them jumped from the car. Without a second thought, Juliet pulled her gun out and cocked it. Sweat formed on her brow as she took a few steps forward. She could hear it. The arguing. Shawn was trying to talk his way out of whatever situation he had gotten into, but this time, the suspect wasn't buying it.

As they moved in further and found themselves surrounded by trees, they were able to see Shawn and Gus up ahead.

"Listen, Gary, you don't want to do this. We're police consultants. If you kill us, it'll be like killing two cops. Do you understand what they'll do to you?"

Juliet was close enough to see Gary, the suspect, shrug his shoulders. The uncaring mask on his face caused Juliet to shudder. This guy was going to kill Shawn and Gus without a second thought. It was at the moment that Juliet realized that she was alone. She couldn't see her partner in either direction. Quickly, it dawned on her. He was going to take Gary by surprise. He was going to attack from behind the suspect. Juliet knew what she needed to do. Rushing through the underbrush with her gun pointed directly at Gary's head.

"Drop your gun."

Gary chuckled lightly, "Yeah, right. Do I look stupid, honey? I drop my gun, you arrest me. I shoot the three of you, I'm home free."

"Doubtful." Came Lassiter's voice from behind Gary.

The gunshot rang in the air as the life slowly drained from Gary's face. As he started to fall forward, Juliet saw his finger was tight against the trigger of his gun. The gun that was currently pointed at Gus. Juliet reached forward, grabbing Gus by the collar of his shirt and yanking him backward. She watched as Gus stumbled backward, Shawn side-stepped to stand in front of Gus. He looked her directly in the eye and mouthed _I'm sorry_.

The second gunshot echoed in the air. The stillness of the woods surrounding them seeming to make the shot louder than it should have been. Juliet's ears rang, as blood pounded against her ear drums. She couldn't do anything. Her feet were rooted in place. All she could see was the red stain, the glassy look in his eyes, and the pallor of his skin as he dropped to the ground beneath him. The only thought going through her mind was; what she could have had, and what she did have.

* * *

Juliet woke up and smiled. Shawn grabbed her hand tightly and squeezed. She sighed in contentment, and realized how happy Shawn made her just by looking at her. His hazel eyes generally appeared to be liquid gold.

"Are you happy? I mean, really?" The uncertainty in his voice broke her heart.

Her brow creased slightly, "Of course I am. I know that I was angry with you, but I was finally able to realize how stupid it was to be so mad at you for lying."

Shawn shifted so that his head was propped up on elbow. "But, Jules … you do realize that you had every reason to be angry with me, right?"

She shrugged, "Yeah, but it stopped making sense, Shawn. You make me happy, and my feelings about your lying shouldn't stop me from being happy."

"I love you, Juliet O'Hara."

She smiled brightly at him. "I love you too, Shawn Spencer."

Shawn chuckled as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her lips. "Bullet holes and all?"

Juliet's eyebrow raised in confusion. "What bullet holes?" Juliet asked.

After the words left her mouth, Shawn's chest turned a bright red as a small wound opened up. Blood poured out as Shawn's eyes rolled back into his head. In a matter of minutes his body went limp. His chest stopped moving up and down with each new additional breath. The thump thump of pulse through the pulse point on his neck stopped moving. Juliet screamed. She beat her hands against his body, as tears blurred her vision.

"SHAWN!" She shrieked loudly.

* * *

Juliet woke with a start. Her body covered in sweat. She blinked around the room, and sighed. She could hear footfalls in the hallway and knew that she wouldn't be alone for much longer. Before long, Henry would bust into the room, the room that Shawn had slept in for years, and demand to know if she was okay.

How could she answer that? It was impossible to answer that question when Shawn's body was lying cold, and lifeless in the morgue. The look on Woody's face when they told him that he would be doing Shawn's autopsy. She had never seen Woody so sad and somber. The usually unusual jokester was generally laughing and spouting off weird things that on occasion had Juliet shuddering. To see the way that Woody took the news really put it into perspective. Up until that moment Juliet could have forced herself to believe it was all some horrible dream, but now it was reality. Shawn Spencer was dead. He died a hero, protecting his best friend.

The door to the room flew open and Henry stumbled in. "Juliet, are you okay?"

She felt horrible making Henry worry like that. It hadn't been that long ago that Shawn's father had been fighting for his life in that same hospital. It hadn't been long ago that Shawn wasn't sure that his father would make it back to him. Now, here she was making him worry, when what he really needed was to grieve for the loss of his only son.

"I'm sorry." Juliet whimpered softly. She had been completely unaware of the fact that she had been crying.

"Don't apologize." Henry whispered softly, as he sat on the empty side of the bed. Placing his back against the wall, he turned toward Juliet. "Anyone would have been a fool to not know how you felt about my son. Even after you broke up with him. I could still see the love there."

Juliet turned her red-rimmed eyes to Henry, "How? I wasn't even sure that I could see it anymore."

Henry smiled softly, and even in the limited light that the hallway brought in, Juliet could see that it didn't even come close to reaching his eyes. The sadness that spread out across Henry's face, despite the smile, broke Juliet's heart.

"Of course you couldn't see anymore, Juliet. You were hurt, and you lashed out. It's to be expected. As much as it hurt Shawn, he understood it. I know that he is really good at fooling people, it's one of his gifts that I'm less proud of, but I seriously hope that he wasn't able to fool you. It broke his heart to know that he hurt you. As much as I'd love to tell you that because of how much pain his little act caused you, that he would've done things differently if he could change it. It would be a lie though, Juliet. Not because he enjoyed lying to you, but because he loved what he did. He loved helping people. So, I hang onto the fact that he died doing something that he loved, and he died with the one person that he loves unconditionally. That fact alone brings me enough peace to get me through the day. That's not to say that my heart isn't broken. That I don't wish that he would walk into this house right now, and say some sort of smart ass reply. Because I would give anything for that to happen. It's going to hurt for a while, and that's okay, but don't blame yourself."

Juliet shook her head, tears flowing more freely now. "I've said so many horrible things to him, Henry. I would have given anything to tell him I loved him one more time. To see that lopsided grin that I knew meant trouble was brewing."

Henry nodded, "I know. That's to be expected, Juliet. Survivor's guilt can be a bitch. Trust me. The only thing you can do is to live your life to the fullest, if not for yourself, then for Shawn. That's what he would want. You to be happy. To move on with your life. Not to forget him and not to live for him, but because of him. You meant the world to him, Juliet."

Juliet nodded. "Thank you, Henry."

Henry shrugged, "No need to thank me." He didn't make a move to get up, as he pondered his next question carefully. "If it's okay, though, I would appreciate it if you told me exactly what happened."

Juliet sighed. "Him and Gus got themselves into a situation that they never should have been. Me and Carlton … we got there as quickly as we could, and Carlton took down the suspect but not before he got a shot off. Shawn … he, uh …" Juliet swallowed around the lump forming in her throat, "he jumped in front of the bullet. He saved Gus' life."

Henry nodded, "Did he suffer, Juliet?"

She didn't want to answer that question. She didn't even want to think about it. "A little, not much. It happened pretty quickly … too quickly. He was there, lying on the ground and still conscious. He tried to hide the tears in his eyes. He tried to talk, but couldn't. I pulled him into my arms, and tried to apply pressure to the wound until the ambulance got there, but it was all fruitless."

"Thank you, Juliet. You're the first one that was actually willing to go into detail. All Carlton told me was that he got shot and died in your arms before the ambulance arrived."

"You're welcome, Henry." Was all she could think to say. Her eyes started to droop close as her head lulled sideways leaning against Henry's shoulder. She wasn't okay. She was nowhere close to okay, and wouldn't be for a long time, but now she was able to see that she had the ability to be okay.


End file.
